Does Jin Like Fat Chicks? - An Exploration Of Self-Esteem, Patriarchy, And Preference Culture In K-Pop
DUH! OF COURSE HE DOES š
TLDR ā the answer is yes, but this piece will not go the direction you think it will.
Every few months thereās this thing that happens on TikTok when the preferences of kpop idols get discussed. Itās mostly fun head cannon type stuff, but after a while the conversation often becomes racist and fatphobic. Itās hard to watch mostly women turn what should be a fun exploration into a serious indictment of their attractiveness and worthiness for these idols. I get asked about this stuff a lot. Does Jin like fat chicks? Does Namjoon like black women? My answer is always the same ā BTS likes whatever you want them to like. What they actually like shouldnāt matter to you because k-pop is a fantasy and your fantasy is all that matters.
These idols arenāt accessible to you outside of the fantasy so who cares?
Phew, I know thatās a lot but letās keep going.
K-pop IS a fantasy industry, by the way. Sure, music is a part of it, but no k-pop group is popular simply because the music slaps. K-pop idols present beautiful and accessible. You get a boyfriend and a best friend, without the messiness of actually having one. Itās an IV drip of feelings, an addictive cocktail of lust and manufactured connection to sell albums. This is fine. Feel good capitalism comes in many forms and spending your money on albums and concert tickets is no less valid than my dad buying falcons jerseys and box seats at the big Saints/Falcons game.
But the thing is, most people donāt fully understand that what they are experiencing is, in fact, fantasy and feel good capitalism. It feels so real, right? And a lot of it IS real, but the relationship that exists between you and an idol functions only to make you feel good and real-life relationships donāt work like that. Real relationships are messy!
Everyone wants to know that Jin would date a fat chick because itās good for self-esteem. We want to know if Namjoon likes black girls because we are black girls!!!!! We want to be loved and cherished for who we are. Men are deeply disappointing and k-pop is where we turn to get the validation that is so short in supply elsewhere. If Jimin can find me attractive, why should I care about everyone else? So everyone looks for evidence and signs and proof, but Iād argue itās the wrong way to look at it.
Okay, Iām going to tell you a story and you arenāt going to like it. Itās about a strip club.
Iāve only been to the strip club once on a corporate consulting job (long story) and what I saw opened my eyes and forever changed me. I watched on while a stripper flirted with her client, a balding 50-year-old man. āYou look nice today, babe,ā she said with a smile. His face lit up, and he smiled so big I thought his cheeks were going to fall out. He handed her a twenty-dollar bill, and she smiled too. Iāll never forget it.
Listen, I know you some of you donāt like this story. The idea that our investment in k-pop is like that of a stripper and her favorite client doesnāt sit well but itās a helpful analogy to showcase what type of power you actually possess in this k-pop relationship and also a helpful dose of reality about what is actually happening. You donāt need to look or be a specific way to be loved in this scenario. You get to come as you are. Thatās the whole point.
The problem is that women arenāt used to being served. K-pop thrives because itās the one of the only games in town. Itās the only industry that exists in the west that caters directly to the feminine gaze and sensibilities. Outside of romance books (which is the BIGGEST industry in books, by the way), there arenāt any existing structures beyond the occasional shirtless TikTok creator that focuses primarily on what turns you on. As a result, the amount of fan service feels overwhelming and addictive. It feels real. You never enter the strip club and sit down. Youāre just there all day, slowly going mad. Reality gets blurred and you forget whatās real and whatās not.
In the same way that itās not a patronās job to be a stripperās type, itās not your job to be an idolās type. Itās their job to be YOUR type. Women have recreated preference culture and āplease pick meā energy in k-pop when really we should act more like men. A man never asks their favorite onlyfans creator if heās her type. Within that space heās 100% her type. He turns the fantasy on and then turns it off and returns to his life. Heās not trying to get her to date him. They wonāt live happily ever after. Itās an escape. Thereās a clear line there. Thatās the whole point.
But I get it ā Jungkook isnāt a stripper to you. Heās your boyfriend and your best friend who does everything to turn you on. You want him to like you. So much of the feminine erotic is about connection and playing house. A man wants to see boobs and you want to see an idol holding a baby. Totally fair. Itās hard to make distinctions when the worlds look so similar. Suga is so seductive because HE FEELS like he could be your life partner. Heād slot right in. I get that approaching k-pop in this way isnāt everyoneās cup of tea. Some folks like the strip club. The buffet is great and the cocktails are cheap. Totally understand that too! I guess Iām just wondering why weāve rebuilt the patriarchy inside of our dreams?
And again ā thereās nothing wrong with discussing what the members like, but only if the answer is only ever something that feels good and empowering to you. If it doesnāt, we shouldnāt be talking about it.
This attitude has a kind of snowball impact on the fandom. Youāre essentially a customer, but you donāt act like one, putting the idolās feelings, desires, and emotions before your own. Itās why I saw tweets about not saying anything about Permission To Dance because it might hurt the boyās feelings. Itās the reason many folks get run off platforms for having opinions. The fandom is powerful, but that power is often only used in ways that donāt empower ourselves but the idols, the object of our devotion and the ones we want to please.
Itās a capitalistās dream, a group of people who not only feel obligated to buy your products but adopt a type of strong arm justice to protect the right for you to sell them. I get a lot of messages about loyalty and feeling bad for having opinions. Meanwhile, we are the same people buying the tickets and investing in the 300 dollar albums. We should all feel any way we want.
It makes little sense, but it doesnāt. These are all habits picked up by relating and loving in the patriarchy. The patriarchy is hard to outrun, even with imperfect men in the middle, so itās no wonder itās even harder when Kim Taehyung is involved.
The blurred lines between fantasy and reality also create a fertile ground for fetishizing. Without deep knowledge that these men are interacting with you in a capacity of service and not reality, the path to fetishizing is very short. People truly expect every Korean man to give them the same feeling Suga does, and thatās sad, to be honest. Itās like seeing Micheal B. Jordan in a movie, falling in love with him and then approaching every black man you see. Youād never do that because you know Micheal in a movie isnāt the real him, but itās hard to grasp that same concept in k-pop for some people. Again ā most feminine presenting people are not used to being serviced like this.
Another side effect of this baseline insecurity is a toxic sexist subculture within the fandom. Many k-pop fans hate women but would never fully own it. Girl groups represent the type they imagine their idols will love. They challenge the fantasy and act as a reminder of what one lacks. Because the k-pop community exists as a patriarchal system, itās no wonder the women in this industry struggle under the weight of misogynist mindsets with the added spice of jealousy and resentment. Iām often shocked by the things I hear people casually say about women, the type of stuff no one would dare to utter about say Park Jimin without being labeled a toxic anti. With women, itās ājust an opinion.ā Imagine that.
That same attitude extends to the way fans often talk and treat each other. Itās bad. The way self-proclaimed feminists will gleefully through other women under the bus at the tiniest slight goes a little deeper than just ābeing passionate.ā Patriarchy thrives off of women, putting undue focus on their appearance and competition. Our insecurity and internalized sexism keep the system going. This isnāt the only reason k-pop is sexist, of course. South Korea itself has deeply sexist and misogynist mindsets that contribute, but the culture of comparison and preferences doesnāt help but thatās an essay for another day.
I believe that k-pop is a great playground for practicing agency and challenging some anti-women attitudes. You get to decide what and who you like. You get to figure out what turns you on and what doesnāt. Itās a great way to explore your sexuality and feel what itās like to be in a system built for you and your pleasure. K-pop is unique in that the āloveā is unconditional. Your idol will always love you no matter what because, uhā¦. you pay them to love you (sorry) so the idea that your genuine feelings and thoughts can prevent your favorite idol from loving you is bullshit. They are more worried about you moving on and no longer loving them, so you donāt have to worry about the former.
The most radical and self-affirming thing to do for yourself is to do the choosing. You donāt HAVE to do anything. You arenāt responsible for anything. Their problems and troubles arenāt yours to fix. You donāt have to be anyone but yourself and they will like it. Their ambitions arenāt yours to make happen for them. You donāt need to be the perfect fan. Be open about what you like and what you donāt like. Demand the content and experience you want. Your desires matter. Itās also a great place to practice being loving, affirming, and supportive of other women. Whenever you feel a nudge towards jealousy or resentment, challenge it. Itās so empowering to fully support women. You can still do whatever you were doing before but letās make sure we are doing what makes US happy and not making a toxic environment for everyone else along the way.
Again, Iām not saying you canāt imagine what type of man or woman or non-binary person your favorite BTS member likes. Itās a part of the fantasy! Have fun! In my head all the members would GLADLY destroy me ā even when Iām in my bonnet and a Hey Arnold! tee-shirt. My point is to make the fantasy an empowering one. A lot of folks donāt like feeling like they are inside of a fantasy and thrive off it feeling real. Like I said, itās dangerous to hang out at the strip club all day and every day. The best way to approach the k-pop fantasy is to sit down, let Jimin give you a lap dance and then, when heās done, return to your life feeling much better about yourself and everything else afterwards.
Does Jin Like Fat Chicks? - An Exploration Of Self-Esteem, Patriarchy, And Preference Culture In K-Pop
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This was written perfectly!!! I used to be so sucked into the fantasy. The moment I arrived to PTDLA, it all clicked that Iām not special and Namjoon isnāt in love with me š. I laugh thinking about the mindset I had for years prior! Itās just scary how easy is it to blur the line between entertainment/fantasy and what you feel is real life.