Does Jin Like Fat Chicks? - An Exploration Of Self-Esteem, Patriarchy, And Preference Culture In K-Pop

DUH! OF COURSE HE DOES 😏

TLDR — the answer is yes, but this piece will not go the direction you think it will.

Every few months there’s this thing that happens on TikTok when the preferences of kpop idols get discussed. It’s mostly fun head cannon type stuff, but after a while the conversation often becomes racist and fatphobic. It’s hard to watch mostly women turn what should be a fun exploration into a serious indictment of their attractiveness and worthiness for these idols. I get asked about this stuff a lot. Does Jin like fat chicks? Does Namjoon like black women? My answer is always the same — BTS likes whatever you want them to like. What they actually like shouldn’t matter to you because k-pop is a fantasy and your fantasy is all that matters.

These idols aren’t accessible to you outside of the fantasy so who cares?

Phew, I know that’s a lot but let’s keep going.

K-pop IS a fantasy industry, by the way. Sure, music is a part of it, but no k-pop group is popular simply because the music slaps. K-pop idols present beautiful and accessible. You get a boyfriend and a best friend, without the messiness of actually having one. It’s an IV drip of feelings, an addictive cocktail of lust and manufactured connection to sell albums. This is fine. Feel good capitalism comes in many forms and spending your money on albums and concert tickets is no less valid than my dad buying falcons jerseys and box seats at the big Saints/Falcons game.

But the thing is, most people don’t fully understand that what they are experiencing is, in fact, fantasy and feel good capitalism. It feels so real, right? And a lot of it IS real, but the relationship that exists between you and an idol functions only to make you feel good and real-life relationships don’t work like that. Real relationships are messy!

Everyone wants to know that Jin would date a fat chick because it’s good for self-esteem. We want to know if Namjoon likes black girls because we are black girls!!!!! We want to be loved and cherished for who we are. Men are deeply disappointing and k-pop is where we turn to get the validation that is so short in supply elsewhere. If Jimin can find me attractive, why should I care about everyone else? So everyone looks for evidence and signs and proof, but I’d argue it’s the wrong way to look at it.

Okay, I’m going to tell you a story and you aren’t going to like it. It’s about a strip club.

I’ve only been to the strip club once on a corporate consulting job (long story) and what I saw opened my eyes and forever changed me. I watched on while a stripper flirted with her client, a balding 50-year-old man. “You look nice today, babe,” she said with a smile. His face lit up, and he smiled so big I thought his cheeks were going to fall out. He handed her a twenty-dollar bill, and she smiled too. I’ll never forget it.

Listen, I know you some of you don’t like this story. The idea that our investment in k-pop is like that of a stripper and her favorite client doesn’t sit well but it’s a helpful analogy to showcase what type of power you actually possess in this k-pop relationship and also a helpful dose of reality about what is actually happening. You don’t need to look or be a specific way to be loved in this scenario. You get to come as you are. That’s the whole point.

The problem is that women aren’t used to being served. K-pop thrives because it’s the one of the only games in town. It’s the only industry that exists in the west that caters directly to the feminine gaze and sensibilities. Outside of romance books (which is the BIGGEST industry in books, by the way), there aren’t any existing structures beyond the occasional shirtless TikTok creator that focuses primarily on what turns you on. As a result, the amount of fan service feels overwhelming and addictive. It feels real. You never enter the strip club and sit down. You’re just there all day, slowly going mad. Reality gets blurred and you forget what’s real and what’s not.

In the same way that it’s not a patron’s job to be a stripper’s type, it’s not your job to be an idol’s type. It’s their job to be YOUR type. Women have recreated preference culture and “please pick me” energy in k-pop when really we should act more like men. A man never asks their favorite onlyfans creator if he’s her type. Within that space he’s 100% her type. He turns the fantasy on and then turns it off and returns to his life. He’s not trying to get her to date him. They won’t live happily ever after. It’s an escape. There’s a clear line there. That’s the whole point.

But I get it — Jungkook isn’t a stripper to you. He’s your boyfriend and your best friend who does everything to turn you on. You want him to like you. So much of the feminine erotic is about connection and playing house. A man wants to see boobs and you want to see an idol holding a baby. Totally fair. It’s hard to make distinctions when the worlds look so similar. Suga is so seductive because HE FEELS like he could be your life partner. He’d slot right in. I get that approaching k-pop in this way isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Some folks like the strip club. The buffet is great and the cocktails are cheap. Totally understand that too! I guess I’m just wondering why we’ve rebuilt the patriarchy inside of our dreams?

And again — there’s nothing wrong with discussing what the members like, but only if the answer is only ever something that feels good and empowering to you. If it doesn’t, we shouldn’t be talking about it.

This attitude has a kind of snowball impact on the fandom. You’re essentially a customer, but you don’t act like one, putting the idol’s feelings, desires, and emotions before your own. It’s why I saw tweets about not saying anything about Permission To Dance because it might hurt the boy’s feelings. It’s the reason many folks get run off platforms for having opinions. The fandom is powerful, but that power is often only used in ways that don’t empower ourselves but the idols, the object of our devotion and the ones we want to please.

It’s a capitalist’s dream, a group of people who not only feel obligated to buy your products but adopt a type of strong arm justice to protect the right for you to sell them. I get a lot of messages about loyalty and feeling bad for having opinions. Meanwhile, we are the same people buying the tickets and investing in the 300 dollar albums. We should all feel any way we want.

It makes little sense, but it doesn’t. These are all habits picked up by relating and loving in the patriarchy. The patriarchy is hard to outrun, even with imperfect men in the middle, so it’s no wonder it’s even harder when Kim Taehyung is involved.

The blurred lines between fantasy and reality also create a fertile ground for fetishizing. Without deep knowledge that these men are interacting with you in a capacity of service and not reality, the path to fetishizing is very short. People truly expect every Korean man to give them the same feeling Suga does, and that’s sad, to be honest. It’s like seeing Micheal B. Jordan in a movie, falling in love with him and then approaching every black man you see. You’d never do that because you know Micheal in a movie isn’t the real him, but it’s hard to grasp that same concept in k-pop for some people. Again — most feminine presenting people are not used to being serviced like this.

Another side effect of this baseline insecurity is a toxic sexist subculture within the fandom. Many k-pop fans hate women but would never fully own it. Girl groups represent the type they imagine their idols will love. They challenge the fantasy and act as a reminder of what one lacks. Because the k-pop community exists as a patriarchal system, it’s no wonder the women in this industry struggle under the weight of misogynist mindsets with the added spice of jealousy and resentment. I’m often shocked by the things I hear people casually say about women, the type of stuff no one would dare to utter about say Park Jimin without being labeled a toxic anti. With women, it’s “just an opinion.” Imagine that.

That same attitude extends to the way fans often talk and treat each other. It’s bad. The way self-proclaimed feminists will gleefully through other women under the bus at the tiniest slight goes a little deeper than just “being passionate.” Patriarchy thrives off of women, putting undue focus on their appearance and competition. Our insecurity and internalized sexism keep the system going. This isn’t the only reason k-pop is sexist, of course. South Korea itself has deeply sexist and misogynist mindsets that contribute, but the culture of comparison and preferences doesn’t help but that’s an essay for another day.

I believe that k-pop is a great playground for practicing agency and challenging some anti-women attitudes. You get to decide what and who you like. You get to figure out what turns you on and what doesn’t. It’s a great way to explore your sexuality and feel what it’s like to be in a system built for you and your pleasure. K-pop is unique in that the “love” is unconditional. Your idol will always love you no matter what because, uh…. you pay them to love you (sorry) so the idea that your genuine feelings and thoughts can prevent your favorite idol from loving you is bullshit. They are more worried about you moving on and no longer loving them, so you don’t have to worry about the former.

The most radical and self-affirming thing to do for yourself is to do the choosing. You don’t HAVE to do anything. You aren’t responsible for anything. Their problems and troubles aren’t yours to fix. You don’t have to be anyone but yourself and they will like it. Their ambitions aren’t yours to make happen for them. You don’t need to be the perfect fan. Be open about what you like and what you don’t like. Demand the content and experience you want. Your desires matter. It’s also a great place to practice being loving, affirming, and supportive of other women. Whenever you feel a nudge towards jealousy or resentment, challenge it. It’s so empowering to fully support women. You can still do whatever you were doing before but let’s make sure we are doing what makes US happy and not making a toxic environment for everyone else along the way.

Again, I’m not saying you can’t imagine what type of man or woman or non-binary person your favorite BTS member likes. It’s a part of the fantasy! Have fun! In my head all the members would GLADLY destroy me — even when I’m in my bonnet and a Hey Arnold! tee-shirt. My point is to make the fantasy an empowering one. A lot of folks don’t like feeling like they are inside of a fantasy and thrive off it feeling real. Like I said, it’s dangerous to hang out at the strip club all day and every day. The best way to approach the k-pop fantasy is to sit down, let Jimin give you a lap dance and then, when he’s done, return to your life feeling much better about yourself and everything else afterwards.